A long day

Time has taken on a new meaning just now. I seem to spend a lot of time just sitting, sometimes reading, sometimes praying, sometimes just looking, doing nothing really. Today has been a long day. A pressure relieving mattress was delivered for my Old Man and it's humming away as I blog, a reminder that he can do so little now. Apparently when he had the syringe driver set up ten days ago he was only expected to live for a few days. He still makes inappropriate remarks to the nurses along the lines of you show me your I'll show you mine when asked if she could look at his behind. His humour is unquenchable, his charm undiminished his optimism undimmed. After giving him a drink or something yesterday i asked was he happy, of course I am he replied why wouldn't I be. Again I say it is a privilege to keep him company on this journey and to be conscious of the prayers of many supporting and sustaining. I know I shall have many happy memories from these last days.

Sunday as usual

There's been nothing"usual" about life this past week but today I'm off to conduct worship as usual. Life over the past 7 days has been largely popping out to the shops and back in a quick ten minutes  but I've been conscious of God being right three close to me. So it's completely in His strength I" ll go and take a service  and hope too my tattoo talk with the children goes down well,, since the youngest daughter showed me how the temporary transfers I got work! In the midst of dying life goes on. My Old Man has a peace about him no ,matter what indignity he's undergoing and is in his own words " very comfortable and quite happy" with my amateurish but well intentioned  nursing skills so onwards today knowing that I truly am an empty vessel for God.

Dignity and Independence

No Marie Curie nurse last night or tonight but all went ok, till 4 am when my old man decided someone had just come in to the house. He almost had me convinced. I was so sure at some points he was almost gone last night, I just sat praying he would let go. This morning he was in great form and. As I offered to help him with a drink said loudly in front of the district nurse "dignity and independence!" we had to laugh, it's a privilege to be able to spend this special time with him as he makes his journey home. It's also prompted me in future to be more aware of the isolation and loneliness of carers and that's something I'll take from this and hopefully remember in the future

Companions

Its an immense privilege to share this journey with my old dear friend, knowing that this is his last wish. In between the long drugged interludes, there are also incredibly lucid moments and moments where is trademark humour is still apparent.  no Marie Curie nurse last night just me and him and I was really sure at one stage he was about to go it was just so incredibly peaceful and I felt the presence of God. Thought I'd feel afraid but I don't I just feel surrounded by Gods love and presence

Feeling a failure

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

Keeping my dear old friend company on his final journey and tonight he asked me to pray for him and all I could do was cry. I can tend all his physical needs it seems but when it comes to spiritual I failed him miserably I was so caught up in my selfish grief at not having him around any more.  Why was it so difficult to offer a simple prayer when I do it almost daily during visits. Not an easy shout this, but. He wants to be at home till the end so I'll need to get some back bone and not let him down.!

End days

My dear old man is now on a syringe driver, I'm sitting beside him as I have been all night  remembering all the happy times we've shared, it's been a privilege to have known him, he's enriched my life beyond measure and that of my family, this is such a cruel illness I know I should want his suffering to be over but I selfishly still want him here with us, all I can do is sit as he makes this journey and know thr privilege it is.

Crowns and walnut whips

Had great day with youngest child and bridesmaids getting the dresses sorted out. Headed out for cocktails and a meal. All was going well till I got back to granny's where we were staying. Too many cocktails impaired the judgement and on discovering granny's stash of walnut whips in the ridge I succumbed to temptation unfortunately my crown right at the front succumbed to the walnut whip! Next day shopping I was motified at missing affront tooth couldn't smile a people talked with hand over mouth felt awful. Fast forward to this week and I'm humbled by our athletes with severe disabilities overcoming unbelievable odds and disability and I'm ashamed by my embarrasmnt  obviously I still need God to remind me it's what's inside that counts, funnily enough tho one of my wee kids from school asked me if I was a stranger, cos I had the same voice but my hair was a different colour, observant wee chap for a six year old but that made me LOL