Post probationers conference

I had a moment of clarity during the conference when realisation struck me WOW I AMA PROBATIONER. I felt so humbled, overwhelmed, blessed, amazed. So much to reflect on from the conference, high point had to be Doug Gays session on the Eucharist, so much to think about in there, and George Whyte, who made church law so interesting and user friendly,  so I'm back again blogging from the bed side of my Oldie who was so pleased to see me I just pray now for a peaceful release for him,  and that he finds his rest at last. So many issues came up at conference the weekend flashed passed and though I was disappointed at being at the Rob Roy it actually meant 2 full nights sleep which I've not had for at least a month and going by some of the faces this morning there wasn't a lot of sleeping time in the house last night, so, so much to reflect on  and learn from,  and so much diversity within our kirks we heard from one minister who preaches for 10 minutes 15 tops then later in the morning another who preaches for FIFTY minutes to an HOUR every week and spend TWELVE hours in preparation ( that's one hour for every five minutes spoken!) hmm!

Gartmore

Almost on the home stretch initial disappointment in that there are so many of us some of us were sent to stay at the Rob Roy which didn't engender such good fellowship. Highlight has been the Eucharist with Doug Gay, it was so though provoking and so rich in ideas it was also delivered in a humerous engaging yet deeply informative manner!  Church Law eek there 's been so much to reflect on and here on the last day my Old Man is still with us and I must admit  I'm anxious to be on the road there's so much to info in the brain at the moment I think I'll have to take the quiet times this week to unravel it and that was with only half of me in attendance! Now I just want to be home next conference in March is the week before the youngest child's wedding so no pressure there either:)

C day

Today's the day I go off to probationers conference leaving behind my dear Old Man who is tenaciously hanging on to life. My dearest wish is that he's still here when I get back on Sunday, having journeyed this far with him I'd like to be with him at journeys end. I'll have to rely heavily on God this weekend to keep me focussed and trust in Him, I've a three and a half hour drive to get to Gartmore so ill need t be alert not easy after many nights of broken sleep but I hope and pray ill get the most I can from the weekend and not spend the time wishing it away,  highlight of the last week was when he and the youngest child sat looking through binoculars at the neighbours across the road to see which paper she was reading, so many happy memories and laughter even these last weeks.

Probationers Conference

Going off to Gartmore on Friday. Big wrench leaving my Oldster behind when I've been with him constantly for what seems like months and just waiting ESP since the syringe driver was fitted a month ago, I just pray that nothing happens while I'm away, I'd be gutted! On a practical leve, I've never been to Gartmore is it cold, does it have a kettle in the room. Hope my brain receptors get in gear because it looks like a very full programme. I am looking forward to it just hope I can be positive and focussed, and Gods never let me down yet!

Blogging

Anyone else having trouble posting? I keep getting an error totally frustrating

Jelly babies

Service went really well yesterday especially the children's talk about. Jelly babies and their secret code, there was some really encouraging feedback at the door. Only four sleeps till probationers conference and a urge document to read! also had meeting this morning with placement supervisor, not sure this is going to be a positive experience, he's extremely liberal and thers no half way so will need wisdom and confidence also to remember he 'll be writing my report. Got to stage yesterday where I felt I was juggling too many balls also watching Oldster getting more frail and confused is upsetting little problems take on huge significance:( need to keep perspective and focussed on God, as well as that since the upgrade came in for I pad it's been nothing ut problems, lost all my history and book marks grrr

Moving moment

The youngest child was with me today keeping the Oldster and I company. I'd been doing something and came through to find her moisturising his hands with hand cream. She is so patient with him and so caring towards him it was quite a moving moment. A bit later I heard them both singing scales well the oldster was the child is completely tone deaf  ( she says in her head she sounds like Adele!). It was a relief to me as he'd said yesterday he didn't feel part of the world ( think its the drugs) then a wee while later they each got binoculars to see if they could identify which newspaper the neighbour across the road was reading!! He still has his humour and is as quick as ever. It was almost like Godwas assuring me that there is still quality of life there, it was good to see his interest perked even for a short time between the long sleeps. Only 6 sleeps till probationers conference and there 's a huge document on The Sacraments to be read I can't say I haven't got time but due to sleep deprivation don't know if I'll manage not to fall asleep while reading it!!

Another week

And so to another week, must admit I found Sundays service hard going but the feedback was very positive. I had the day away from my Old Man but as usual had separation anxiety nevertheless had a lovely time with the middle child all on our own. I wonder at my Oldsters determination of spirit and the strength that keeps him going, he reposes mostly in the arms of Morpheus but still moments of clarity and the sense of humour is ever intact. I wonder what God is teaching me through this. One thing that has amazed me is I'm a " doing person" I hate inactivity so the fact that I can sit and not " do" anything is I'm sure by Gods grace. Only ten days till the probationers conference and I am so worried about leaving him ( if he is still here) though Marie Curie ( family etc) are all in place the thing is I want to be with him when the time comes, I know it will happen in Gods timing but as I look at him for his sake I wish it was over.

A long day

Time has taken on a new meaning just now. I seem to spend a lot of time just sitting, sometimes reading, sometimes praying, sometimes just looking, doing nothing really. Today has been a long day. A pressure relieving mattress was delivered for my Old Man and it's humming away as I blog, a reminder that he can do so little now. Apparently when he had the syringe driver set up ten days ago he was only expected to live for a few days. He still makes inappropriate remarks to the nurses along the lines of you show me your I'll show you mine when asked if she could look at his behind. His humour is unquenchable, his charm undiminished his optimism undimmed. After giving him a drink or something yesterday i asked was he happy, of course I am he replied why wouldn't I be. Again I say it is a privilege to keep him company on this journey and to be conscious of the prayers of many supporting and sustaining. I know I shall have many happy memories from these last days.

Sunday as usual

There's been nothing"usual" about life this past week but today I'm off to conduct worship as usual. Life over the past 7 days has been largely popping out to the shops and back in a quick ten minutes  but I've been conscious of God being right three close to me. So it's completely in His strength I" ll go and take a service  and hope too my tattoo talk with the children goes down well,, since the youngest daughter showed me how the temporary transfers I got work! In the midst of dying life goes on. My Old Man has a peace about him no ,matter what indignity he's undergoing and is in his own words " very comfortable and quite happy" with my amateurish but well intentioned  nursing skills so onwards today knowing that I truly am an empty vessel for God.

Dignity and Independence

No Marie Curie nurse last night or tonight but all went ok, till 4 am when my old man decided someone had just come in to the house. He almost had me convinced. I was so sure at some points he was almost gone last night, I just sat praying he would let go. This morning he was in great form and. As I offered to help him with a drink said loudly in front of the district nurse "dignity and independence!" we had to laugh, it's a privilege to be able to spend this special time with him as he makes his journey home. It's also prompted me in future to be more aware of the isolation and loneliness of carers and that's something I'll take from this and hopefully remember in the future

Companions

Its an immense privilege to share this journey with my old dear friend, knowing that this is his last wish. In between the long drugged interludes, there are also incredibly lucid moments and moments where is trademark humour is still apparent.  no Marie Curie nurse last night just me and him and I was really sure at one stage he was about to go it was just so incredibly peaceful and I felt the presence of God. Thought I'd feel afraid but I don't I just feel surrounded by Gods love and presence

Feeling a failure

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

Keeping my dear old friend company on his final journey and tonight he asked me to pray for him and all I could do was cry. I can tend all his physical needs it seems but when it comes to spiritual I failed him miserably I was so caught up in my selfish grief at not having him around any more.  Why was it so difficult to offer a simple prayer when I do it almost daily during visits. Not an easy shout this, but. He wants to be at home till the end so I'll need to get some back bone and not let him down.!

End days

My dear old man is now on a syringe driver, I'm sitting beside him as I have been all night  remembering all the happy times we've shared, it's been a privilege to have known him, he's enriched my life beyond measure and that of my family, this is such a cruel illness I know I should want his suffering to be over but I selfishly still want him here with us, all I can do is sit as he makes this journey and know thr privilege it is.

Crowns and walnut whips

Had great day with youngest child and bridesmaids getting the dresses sorted out. Headed out for cocktails and a meal. All was going well till I got back to granny's where we were staying. Too many cocktails impaired the judgement and on discovering granny's stash of walnut whips in the ridge I succumbed to temptation unfortunately my crown right at the front succumbed to the walnut whip! Next day shopping I was motified at missing affront tooth couldn't smile a people talked with hand over mouth felt awful. Fast forward to this week and I'm humbled by our athletes with severe disabilities overcoming unbelievable odds and disability and I'm ashamed by my embarrasmnt  obviously I still need God to remind me it's what's inside that counts, funnily enough tho one of my wee kids from school asked me if I was a stranger, cos I had the same voice but my hair was a different colour, observant wee chap for a six year old but that made me LOL