Another week

And so to another week, must admit I found Sundays service hard going but the feedback was very positive. I had the day away from my Old Man but as usual had separation anxiety nevertheless had a lovely time with the middle child all on our own. I wonder at my Oldsters determination of spirit and the strength that keeps him going, he reposes mostly in the arms of Morpheus but still moments of clarity and the sense of humour is ever intact. I wonder what God is teaching me through this. One thing that has amazed me is I'm a " doing person" I hate inactivity so the fact that I can sit and not " do" anything is I'm sure by Gods grace. Only ten days till the probationers conference and I am so worried about leaving him ( if he is still here) though Marie Curie ( family etc) are all in place the thing is I want to be with him when the time comes, I know it will happen in Gods timing but as I look at him for his sake I wish it was over.

A long day

Time has taken on a new meaning just now. I seem to spend a lot of time just sitting, sometimes reading, sometimes praying, sometimes just looking, doing nothing really. Today has been a long day. A pressure relieving mattress was delivered for my Old Man and it's humming away as I blog, a reminder that he can do so little now. Apparently when he had the syringe driver set up ten days ago he was only expected to live for a few days. He still makes inappropriate remarks to the nurses along the lines of you show me your I'll show you mine when asked if she could look at his behind. His humour is unquenchable, his charm undiminished his optimism undimmed. After giving him a drink or something yesterday i asked was he happy, of course I am he replied why wouldn't I be. Again I say it is a privilege to keep him company on this journey and to be conscious of the prayers of many supporting and sustaining. I know I shall have many happy memories from these last days.

Sunday as usual

There's been nothing"usual" about life this past week but today I'm off to conduct worship as usual. Life over the past 7 days has been largely popping out to the shops and back in a quick ten minutes  but I've been conscious of God being right three close to me. So it's completely in His strength I" ll go and take a service  and hope too my tattoo talk with the children goes down well,, since the youngest daughter showed me how the temporary transfers I got work! In the midst of dying life goes on. My Old Man has a peace about him no ,matter what indignity he's undergoing and is in his own words " very comfortable and quite happy" with my amateurish but well intentioned  nursing skills so onwards today knowing that I truly am an empty vessel for God.

Dignity and Independence

No Marie Curie nurse last night or tonight but all went ok, till 4 am when my old man decided someone had just come in to the house. He almost had me convinced. I was so sure at some points he was almost gone last night, I just sat praying he would let go. This morning he was in great form and. As I offered to help him with a drink said loudly in front of the district nurse "dignity and independence!" we had to laugh, it's a privilege to be able to spend this special time with him as he makes his journey home. It's also prompted me in future to be more aware of the isolation and loneliness of carers and that's something I'll take from this and hopefully remember in the future

Companions

Its an immense privilege to share this journey with my old dear friend, knowing that this is his last wish. In between the long drugged interludes, there are also incredibly lucid moments and moments where is trademark humour is still apparent.  no Marie Curie nurse last night just me and him and I was really sure at one stage he was about to go it was just so incredibly peaceful and I felt the presence of God. Thought I'd feel afraid but I don't I just feel surrounded by Gods love and presence

Feeling a failure

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

Keeping my dear old friend company on his final journey and tonight he asked me to pray for him and all I could do was cry. I can tend all his physical needs it seems but when it comes to spiritual I failed him miserably I was so caught up in my selfish grief at not having him around any more.  Why was it so difficult to offer a simple prayer when I do it almost daily during visits. Not an easy shout this, but. He wants to be at home till the end so I'll need to get some back bone and not let him down.!

End days

My dear old man is now on a syringe driver, I'm sitting beside him as I have been all night  remembering all the happy times we've shared, it's been a privilege to have known him, he's enriched my life beyond measure and that of my family, this is such a cruel illness I know I should want his suffering to be over but I selfishly still want him here with us, all I can do is sit as he makes this journey and know thr privilege it is.